by Channing Kapin, Contributing Writer
So the first sport I see on my DVR NBC Olympic channel recording is Women’s Air Rifle. This event gives 50k Race Walking a run for it’s Worst Olympic Event title. This is what the announcer says to start the event: “You’re not going to see a lot of movement in this sport.” When the announcers are making excuses for your sport it probably shouldn’t be on TV. They’re practically begging you not to watch. They do a lot of standing around with their eyes closed, and then they shoot, only you can’t see what they’re shooting at or even when they fire. And the targets aren’t even real targets, they’re computer approximations of the shots that were fired.
I mean, we’re talking BB Gun Shooting with computer simulated targets. Kids playing with BB guns isn’t a sport, why is it any more interesting when adults do it?
After catching about 30 seconds of Olympic cycling I was reminded that bicycling could be one of the most boring sports, ever. Sure, the scenery is pretty, but don’t you say that about dull movies, too? And I’m not even talking about those stultifying velodrome events where they wear funny bike helmets and ride in circles. Because, I mean, who doesn’t like watching dudes in bike shorts and helmets that look like alien heads ride in circles real fast?
I was listening to a show talking about how England’s best chances for winning were bicycling, rowing, and sailing. Why are the English only good at sitting down sports? Are they only good at sports that don’t require you to get off your ass? Because if snooker and darts were Olympic events the Brits would dominate. Unfortunately, any game you can play with a beer in your hand doesn’t really qualify as a sport. I mean how many events would be improved by beer-gutted dudes quaffing pints of ale? All of them, right? Certainly javelin and shot put. Maybe let the cyclists have beer bottle holders. Sure, it would be 100 times more dangerous, but danger equals ratings, right?
So of course AFTER I posted my 12 Olympic Sports that Suck article I learned that not only does Mitt Romney own a horse competing in Dressage, but I also learned that Dressage is horse-dancing, in top hats. How the hell is that a sport?
And how come Romney doesn’t sit his wife down and tell her, “You know, honey this might not be the best year to show off our $70,000 tax write-off horse in horse dancing. Maybe after the election you can quietly enter him in the 2013 Equine Sock Hop and Hoof Jamboree.”
This is easily the stupidest sport ever. I mean, it’s Horse Dancing? The Ancient Greeks loved their horses but they didn’t embarrass them like this. Although I just got a great idea for a new reality show: Dancing with the Stars’ Horses. Have Rifalca, Flicka, Secretariat, the token ex-athlete. War Horse from the movie War Horse. Mr. Ed, the token geezer for nostalgia a la Cloris Leachman, or Buzz Aldrin. Mr. Ed’s still alive, right?
The US Men’s Swimmers are doing their damnedest to kill our fond memories from the Beijing Olympics. First, Michael Phelps gagged in his half of the way overhyped “Duel in the Pool.” Then he admitted that he wasn’t really prepared for these Olympics. What the hell? Isn’t your ONLY job as “Olympic Swimmer” to be ready to swim every 4 years? Did he wake up one day, look at a calendar and go “Oh, crap, I should probably get in a pool and swim a couple laps before the games start.” But that’s not even the biggest tool bar moment. Then this Ryan Lochte guy shows off his stupid gold teeth grill and then proceeds to lose his next two races.
And then we have the latest “controversy” in Women’s Gymnastics, that the third best American, Jordyn Wieber can’t compete in the all-around Finals because two of her teammates already qualified with higher scores, and in order to ensure higher ratings the Olympics want the 8th or 9th best gymnastics girls in the world to compete instead of say, the third best who happens to come from the same country as #1 and #2. Although, to be fair, if it was three Romanians or Chinese girls in the Finals, the Americans would cry about that too. So once again Women’s Gymnastics features lots of controversy, crying and complaining.
And finally, the England Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville. Why are they both giant penises? I mean, there’s no ambiguity about it. They’re not say, big, white eels or armadilloes that were just drawn badly. Or that bald weiner-looking chick with the orange condom bodysuit from Athens. No, these guys are gigantic, cyclopsian penii with testicle feet. I definitely need to get the t-shirt.
Stay tuned for more Olympic coverage….